


Descending into chaos

by Lamamu



Series: Midam ramblings [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Universe, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Adam Milligan, Pining Michael, Post-Cage, Protective Michael, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, midam, pining adam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-16 22:46:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16504223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lamamu/pseuds/Lamamu
Summary: Poor baby... he's heading down.. and Michael is oblivious, thinking he's doing this for Adam's own good... not realising that he's making things worse.We love our angst.Trigger warning though.. this one Adam does a little self harm.





	Descending into chaos

**Author's Note:**

> As always.. happy reading, and let me know what you think!

It had gotten better. Just a little.

Adam had crumbled when his eyes fell on the box Michael had given him. It was irrational, how a piece of stiffened, coloured cardboard could make him feel such despair that his hands twitched to hold a glass of something.

_Anything._

But he resisted. Barely. Instead, the muscles in his jaw visibly rippled when the blonde grit his teeth and just set about cleaning the brushes in the downstairs bathroom that was also somehow his laundry. Or would be if he had the appliances to go in it.

Eh, later.

He still hadn’t really thought about _what_ he was doing with all the rooms after he’d pulled the carpet and made himself a bearable living space, so buying new appliances was far from the top of his list. What Adam was trying to do was simple: Put one foot in front of the other until he came out of the hole he had fallen into when his memories had been restored. Only, he had the terrible feeling that the light at the end of the tunnel was an oncoming train, and he was far from good.

It wasn’t healthy, and in his more rational moments, he knew it. Adam even went so far as to admit that if he and Michael had gotten involved again things would be too.. Weird. There was too much unresolved trauma, too much new, raw emotion to deal with.. And Michael, if he remembered their time in the mental hospital correctly.. Didn’t deal well with emotion. Nor did he expect an archangel to know how, or what to do.. Or to even feel the way Adam did in return. Adam didn’t want things to be like this, he wanted his friend back first.. And if things progressed they did, and if they didn’t well.. At least he’d still have the friendship.

But those were in his rational moments, and right now for Adam they were few and far between. The worst thing was, it wasn’t even all Michael. Well, not really. Adam still wasn’t sleeping, eating was a chore most days, and he had already had to tighten his belt another notch, without having any extra weight to lose in the first place. He couldn’t sleep, and it wasn’t because of _now._

No.

_Then._ Then, and the newness of it all. Every time he closed his eyes, all he saw were filtered memories, every time he fell asleep they became clear, haunting his dreams in the worst way possible… and Adam didn’t have the mental capacity right now to deal with _that_ and the heartache.

_'It was the heat of the moment'_

Of all the things Michael could have said to him in the days since he’d just left him standing there with a beer bottle in his hand.. Or ever. It was the most soul crushing, but at the time Adam had been too angry to fully understand what it meant, and his irrational mind took full advantage of that fact, playing it over in his head, repeating it over and over until he had himself convinced that every single precious moment was just that.

The heat of the moment, something Michael had used to his advantage both before and after.

Then and now.

There was a war being fought in Adams mind and he was losing the battle for his own sanity.

It became harder to be at work, harder to focus on simple tasks, and eventually Adam had taken leave, telling them half of the truth. It was a break up.. It just wasn’t any kind of break up they’d understand. His intention was to throw himself into the house renovation for the two weeks he’d taken, but that was.. Foolish. A fool’s hope, at best.

Especially now, when he was simply just standing there in his ugly kitchen later with a glass of whiskey in one hand running that last conversation over and over in his almost insane mind.

_'It was the heat of the moment'_

' _It was the heat of the moment'_

_'It was the heat of the moment'_

_'It was the heat of the moment'_

_'It was the heat of the moment'_

_'It was the heat of the moment'_

_'It was the heat of the moment'_

_'It was the heat of the moment'_

Adam felt something inside him snap, and a strange kind of warmth spread through his mind. His eyes became unfocused and the heat spread to them, causing his eyelids to twitch. His heartbeat increased, beating into a fast, irregular rhythm and his breathing became shallow. There was another snap, on the outside this time, and he looked down with disinterested blue eyes at the bright red blood welling from his palm and the broken whiskey soaked glass still clutched in a loose grip.

Weird, he hadn’t even felt it shatter, or realised that his hand was squeezing it so tight.

Weirder still, was his other hand, moving to pluck a shard of glass out of his hand, pulling it from the bottom of the glass with detached curiosity.

_What are you doing?_

_I need to.. Feel.. something else._

This time when the glass sliced into the skin on his forearm, Adam hissed in satisfaction when the pain shot up his arm and registered into the mess that loosely resembled his mind. When it dug in a second time, the grim smile that appeared at the edges of his lips was met with a sharp exhale as the pain deepened and Adam’s nostrils flared when they detected the coppery scent of his own crimson blood.

“Ahh. _Yes._ ”

It was hearing his own gasping voice, and the desperation in it that brought him back, giving him the strength to fight through the chaos.

“The f u c k?”

Adam stared down at the mess he’d made in growing horror, dropping what was left of the glass onto the countertop with another pained gasp.

_Nonononononono_

“What have I done?”


End file.
